DOMESTIC VIOLENCE; THE SNEAKY REAPER

Its Thursday the 23rd day of May, 2013 at the Delta State High Court sitting at Oleh. Handling one and witnessing another divorce proceedings, a similar string seemed to run through the cases of both petitioners "I can't continue with a woman that slaps me always because she knows I would never hit her" That triggered a thought- Domestic Violence. 

The most famous dictionary-The Advanced Learners Dictionary sees domestic violence simply as violence against members of the family. Also, Domestic Violence could be defined as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. To stretch this definition a little further, we could say that behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound the other partner, also pass for domestic violence.  

Thus for DV to exist, the abuser and his victim should be family(or have a strong relationship at least) and there must be strings of violence. The most common forms of DV is wife battery, sexual assaults, verbal abuse and maltreatment.
Whether its the gory case of a certain Henry Nnadi, a dry cleaner who literally applied his ironing skills on his wife and killed his son, a girl who bathes her lover's private part  with acid for allegedly cheating, or as trivial as a woman who frequently goes on a husband insulting expedition, domestic violence has become so profuse in Nigeria that one would be forced to feel some men probably read the Iyke and Tina Turner episodes and vowed to do Iyke's role better. 

Talking statistics, a survey by Amnesty International shows that between half and two thirds of Nigerian women are subject to domestic violence in their homes. A random study conducted by the writer involving a few ladies, married and singles alike revealed the disheartening truth that almost all of them confessed to have been victims of DV at one time in a relationship or the other.

However, This problem, as much as it is arguably in its all time high is hardly ever talked about until the victim is injured, maimed or even killed. Domestic violence affects all social groups and can consist of physical, sexual,  psychological and even economical abuse. Although men can also be affected by domestic violence, women suffer disproportionately.

 This trend occurs across much of the world, but the Nigerian scenario seems worse because discriminatory laws and civilization levels compound its particularly high rates. Most potently, its prevalent culture of silence and stigma for the victims of domestic violence hinders public acknowledgement of the problem. There exists an urgent need to challenge the social prejudices and institutional structures in order to protect its women, not just from danger, but also from ridicule, fear and isolation and stigmatization. The societal burden on the victim is always so huge that it becomes more prudent to die in silence.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. Studies suggest that up to 10 million children worldwide witness some form of domestic violence annually. EVERYDAY in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends. Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern. 

Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but has its effects on family members as well. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social vices but gives them a springboard on which grand scale domestic violence tendencies could be launched.

Let my dear reader not be forced to believe that DV is gender discriminatory. 
Despite the statistics being in favour of female population, there is also an increasing spate of domestic violence against husbands and even boyfriends. The point remains that the issue of domestic violence has always been  colonized by feminism and the idea of a male victim is utterly shameful and preposterous. Thus, in Nigeria and the world over, a complaining man is seen as lazy, a cissy or a wimpy man, while a complaining female is a victim.
Recent experience have shown that  even when many women claim to be victims of domestic violence they can often be as violent as their male partners- they've simply come off worse in a fight they may well have started in a usual fashion.
The rule against domestic violence is simply this; Domestic violence is bad, and the gender of the abuser or reason for such abuse never justifies the act.
As for abusive ladies, (as much as this might offend a few) if women are serious about being treated equally to men they can't expect to keep getting away with behaviour that most people would find unacceptable from men. A primordial and unrefined reasoning is that If a man would ordinarily retaliate from provocation to a fellow man's attack, could there possibly be any reason why his natural animalistic proclivities shouldn't push him to retaliate just because the assailant is a women especially when it puts the man's life or limbs at risk? Pain, injury and even death never inquires into the gender of  the giver.

That however does not represent the writers idea. The truth is that, like our good parents taught us, every real man should have the understanding of a woman’s weaker nature (at least physically) and he must strive to cope with the fact that retaliation to a woman’s attack  like he might a man’s, is grossly unacceptable and clearly depicts him as a half man, a monster and a disgrace to self-control.
On the final analysis, there is a need  for  everyone to be taught that it is unacceptable to be abusive  at all ,rather than determining the guilt of an abuser strictly along the lines of gender.
 Some of the reasons why DV continues to grows around the world, Nigeria in particular are as follows;
1. Relatively low literacy level-for the abuser and victim alike.
2. Poverty-most victims continue in abusive relationships because of their total dependence on the abuser and inability to survive on their own while the abuser capitalizes on the fact of his victim’s helpless situation.
3. Absence of useful laws to prosecute offenders. In the words of Zainab Bangura, on the House of Rep's approval of a law aimed at curbing DV in Nigeria, "There's no way to end sexual violence unless you end impunity." No doubt this will go a long way to prune the ever fluttering wings of perpetrators of Domestic abuse feeding of the lack of specific legislation on the subject. 
4. Absence of Rehabilitative agencies and NGOs. 
5. Victim's fear of stigmatization.

OUR RESPONSIBILITIES
In totality, the fact remains that each and every one of us owes a duty to strive towards minimizing or eradicating domestic violence in our society. It is easy o say  "its non of my business". But on the whole, its still everyone's job to ensure that the world tilts towards a better place to live in so we don’t continue to fall off.
Most people, for the most part, don’t want to be involved int the issues of others and we prefer to ignore the problem, hoping that it goes away. If you know or suspect that a neighbour, friend or family member is a victim of domestic violence – it is important to take a stand and call the relevant authorities or inform the relevant NGOs. You may be labouring under the impression that victims have a choice and if they are unhappy they will leave - and we criticize them for not leaving! Remember, victims have been conditioned to believe that they will not make it on their own and for many abused women and men, they rely on the financial support which is provided by their abuser.
Reporting domestic violence will ensure that the family that is suffering on a daily basis receives the help and counseling they need to mend and repair the damage that has been caused.If not for the victim, for the children watching. One day could mean the world of difference to a child who is witnessing the anger of their father or the difference between life and death for a woman who has inadvertently detonated her lover’s or husband’s rage.

Men who are abused by their spouses are often silenced by shame!
Women in an abusive relationship are urged to make a call and report the abuse to the authorities.

Do not die in silence or the shame of stigmatization.
Do not begin to feel its just one slap or that he'll change. Trust me, monsters don’t change!