MY MOST LUDICROUS POSTS ON FACEBOOK. Vol.1, by Ehiwuogwu Onyeka

Firstly, permit me to start by emphasizing that this work was never meant to ridicule anybody's post. The writer knows too well about freedom of expression. But, if you still find it worthy to feel offended, like the great Chinua Achebe once told his abundant critics "write your own"! That said, I'd really enjoin the reader, whether affected or not to appreciate this from an objective view and take ONLY the humour intended.

This work comes from an Idi Amin perspective of the Right to freedom of expression that although the right to express yourself might be yours, what happens after the expression is not yours, and cannot be guaranteed! No it can't!

Having facebooked for almost a decade, certain posts and updates continue to amuse and even shock me. Let's see some.

 1." Pray for Boston/Oklahoma": Within 10 minutes of the Boston Marathon explosion, close to a hundred posts and tweets on the issue were placed on facebook, twitter and other social media. No doubt its a good gesture to mourn with those who mourn and pray for their redemption.My grouse with these posts and tweets is that despite a careful search for such messages pertaining to Nigerian incidents, non could be found.

 In the past decade, Nigeria could arguably be ranked very high in the Hall of shame of nations with high disasters, explosions, accidents and bloodshed rates generally.Yet, its sparsely ever seen that Nigerians put up such condolence posts on social media to show any form of solicitude to the victims.

I shudder to think that we are now used to such happenings, or we now see them as just another news? Its really sad that while our brothers and sisters in the Northern part of this country steadily receive a corpulent chunk of attacks in which hundreds of lives are lost, nobody ever comes out to post or tweet "Pray for Bornu,or Bauchi or Plateau". Perhaps some view 'white lives' as more important than blacks.This no doubt smacks of some sort of self inflicted colonialism. Or could it just be share inferiority complex that makes us want to associate and link up ONLY with outsiders, totally shutting our eyes to what happens to family? 

The simple point being made here is that the pain of disasters and deaths are the same everywhere. Death is Death. Car bombs are car bombs, fatal disasters are fatal disasters and explosions are explosions, any where in the world; whether in Baga, Southern Kaduna, Borno state or in Boston. The same efforts spent consoling the 'foreign' victims should be used to console the 'Local' ones...maybe more, because the efforts of the foreign governments towards the rehabilitation of her victims completely makes any of our verbal condolence worthless! Since the Nigerian government would hardly budge about rehabilitation or compensation, all the local victims would end up having are our messages of concern and love! Nigeria,being our primary constituency and immediate/nuclear family deserves more attention or atleast a right to first attention'.Yes, I said it!

 2."God give me a Rich, handsome, caring, Godfearing, respectful and loving husband"; Haaargh!!!This, by ten light years is the most amusing post I've ever seen on facebook. I saw this post and was almost forced to ask the lady what she then intends to bring into the marriage. Far from being chauvinistic or sexist (a man can't learn to be chauvinistic and sexist at old age), I strongly think every good lady deserves the 'ideal', 'dream man'...maybe RMD,Will Smith, Brad Pitt, David Beckham or even a bit of Michelle's boy. 

However, ladies must learn to take more reasonable and dignified steps in trying to get what they look out for in a men.I don't think Michelle, Jada or Jollie ever grovelled on the floor or took up banners like "I NEED A....MAN" to get their boys' attention. Placing such thoughts on facebook or making such super bowl offers to the whole world announces in neon lights that she's needy, dependent, desperate, immature, petty, delusional, suffering from a clinical diagnosis of mental laxity  and probably has little or nothing to offer in return to help the marriage. Its simple, if you want the Wills, Brads, Richards and Barracks, why not make efforts towards developing yourself like Jada, Jollie or Michelle and make the boys come making offers!

Knowledge about what guys look out for (ask him if you don't believe me) in women is that the desirable woman is one that subtly  'takes charge' and 'does things' with little or no dependence on a man. Nobody likes total DEPENDENCE, rather partial RELIANCE could be a strong centripetal force because it motivates the man to keep-up, as against dependence which enburdens.

Granted, its good to pray and ask God for a good spouse. But what happened to private, silent prayers in the confines of your room? The Holy Bible says in Mathew 6:5-6 that “And when you pray,you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. 

Need I emphasize here that facebook and twitter even covers a wider audience than  the synagogues and street corners mentioned by the bible?

Come to think of it, I've never seen any one asking his dad or mum for school fees by yelling it out in public or posting it on facebook or tweeter, even though such parents might well be on social networks. If we agree on the utter stupidity and senselessness of such act, then its easy to see that prayers to the Almighty God deserves more sanctity and privacy.

 Desperation,(which is what such public offers displays) puts off and maybe scares people away.Trust me, nobody likes a loud, indiscreet, undiplomatic and vociferous desperado. That's a deadly combination! 

3. "I love Rita Dominic and I can give her twins":Guess who? Mr. LKT, the diminutive 'Yahoozee' crooner. This handsome young man in an interview confessed his long standing crush/love (whatever you choose to call it) for the sultry and nubile Nollywood veteran. He went further to win vision of his procreative abilities been  displayed on Ms Dominic to give her twins. Woow!!!

 Having grown up with a knowledge of the fact that its within a man's natural DUTIES to go after a woman his heart yearns for, notwithstanding the possibilities of refusal or rejection. My question then is,Why would a vibrant young man like LKT, at the prime of his 'exploratory' years as a bachelor not take the natural step by going to say this to Ms. Dominic? Why would he cave in during an interview to state such a confession without first doing the needful? 

One would think that celebrities date and marry each other since they practically live in the same habitat; same restaurants,same hotels,same salons,same airports and flights, same high profile shows, same video shoots, occassions and events, possibly the same banks and ultimately, same or similar entertainment industry (ies)!If that is the case, chances are that LKT doesn't live in an entirely different planet from the actress. He most definitely would have seen or met her on a regular basis. Or even knows where to find her if he's so in love.So what stops him from doing what even 'ordinary, non- celeb' guys would do effortlessly and probably make her blush? 

What could possibly be my friend's impediment? Fright, cold feet or fear of rejection? I doubt so. Heey!What happened to the guy code that says "shake it of...you're asking her out, not snatching her handbag with your legs shackled".Its simple, go make your offer, if its rejected, then she has only passed the gooddie or 'baddie' to another lady (depending on what he turns out to be). But when its accepted, the joy is PROFOUND! Its always better to go through life regretting things we did than those we failed to. So, why fidget over rejection from a pretty lady like a scared cat? If she says "No", shake it off and ask Swizz beats to help you move 'On to the next one'.

 Many years of cognate experience in this field has taught me that its way easier and lighter to handle rejection from such gorgeous and 'high-on-demand' ladies like Ms Dominic than one from ladies would hardly pass for that description.The latter might make a guy ask "Am I that bad"?Leaving his ego with a protracted hemorrhage.

Hmm, some mothers really do have them!